Being Annoying for Dummies: A Compendium of Tips and Techniques

Everyone knows someone who just can’t help but get on other people’s nerves. It may be a douche you know from work, or a pesky neighbor, or even a “friend” who keeps trying to insert herself into your life. Whoever it is, they’re annoying and it’s slowly turning you into someone who’d actually contemplate murder.

This article, however, isn’t about that. This is about you being annoying and taking that to a whole new level. People easily get annoyed, it’s one of the weaknesses of the human race. You don’t see lions or water buffaloes getting pissed when they can’t reach the last Pringles because their hand won’t fit in the can, or giraffes or alligators getting angry because someone messed with the height of their office chair.

So, without further ado, here are a few things that you could do to become the biggest douche in your immediate vicinity. Or, you know, if you’re just really bored and you want to see how people would react to the unexpected.

IN AN ELEVATOR

  1. Ask people coming in if you can push the buttons for them. Push the wrong ones.
  2. Gasp loudly then say, “Did you hear that cable-snapping sound?”
  3. Give each passenger a ticket and remind them that door prize drawing is in half an hour.
  4. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
  5. Bring a chair along.
  6. Go into extreme detail explaining how you were trapped in an elevator once for two days.
  7. Have a picnic in the elevator.
  8. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
  9. Draw a volleyball on the wall of the elevator and insist you have been trapped in there for 3 months. Formally introduce everyone to the volleyball!
  10. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
  11. Wear a ski mask and carry an axe.
  12. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  13. Collapse on the floor when the elevator goes up, then get up and look embarrassed.
  14. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space.”
  15. Hold the elevator door open and say you’re waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, “Hi John, how’s your day been?”
  16. If anyone brushes against you, sigh contentedly then whisper to them, “Was it good for you too?”
  17. Pretend you’re a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
  18. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  19. Walk in circles. Change directions when you hit a passenger.
  20. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.

AT THE OFFICE

  1. Talk to your mouse as if it’s a two-way radio.
  2. Send emails one word (or a few) at a time. End each one with something like, “More to come, stay tuned to your inbox for further developments…”
  3. Talk about your husband or significant other non-stop.
  4. Talk about yourself in the third person all the time.
  5. Bring an aquarium net into the bathroom and fish some poop out of the toilet. Put it in the breakroom sink.
  6. Cover coworkers’ desks with post-it notes/aluminum foil/newspaper.
  7. Put your co-workers’ stuff in Jell-O and watch them dig it out.
  8. Send an email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
  9. Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  10. Insist that your e-mail address be: “zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com” (or “thor_god_of_thunder@companyname.com”).
  11. Hide a rubber cockroach in inventive places.
  12. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.
  13. Attach a sign that says “FAX” to the paper shredder. Sit and watch to see how many people fall for it.
  14. Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland.
  15. Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
  16. Grow mold in your coffee cup.
  17. Erect a shrine to your favorite sports team, holding candlelight vigils at 10:00 a.m. and 2:00 p.m. daily.
  18. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  19. Hang a mistletoe over your desk.
  20. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.

IN PUBLIC BATHROOMS

  1. Knock on occupied stalls. Keep knocking while shouting, “Hey, I’m waiting!” Don’t stop until they come out.
  2. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, ”May I borrow a sharpie?”
  3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
  4. ”Hmmm, I’ve never seen that color before.”
  5. Drop a marble and say, “Oh shit! My glass eye!”
  6. Fill up a large flask w/ Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, “Whoa! Easy boy!”
  7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 ft. Sigh contentedly.
  8. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, “Peekaboo!”
  9. “Now how did that get there?”
  10. Spread peanut butter or chocolate on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, “Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?”

GENERAL WAYS TO BE ANNOYING

  1. After visiting the local doughnut shop, sit on the floor cross-legged and insist in a childish voice that you haven’t received enough chocolate sprinkles.
  2. Announce when you’re going to the bathroom.
  3. Skip rather than walk.
  4. Call delivery numbers of fast food chains and ask the operator out on a date.
  5. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your “imaginary friend”.
  6. Ask people mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about “psychological profiles”.
  7. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  8. Chew on pens/pencils that you’ve borrowed.
  9. Consistently refer to everyone as ‘mortal.’
  10. Open your briefcase or bag every few minutes and say into it, “Have you got enough air in there?”
  11. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for “violating your airspace”.
  12. Dress like a classy rich person and wash windows at random street corners.
  13. Finish all your sentences with the words: “in accordance with The Prophecy”.
  14. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
  15. Frantically change the date on people’s computers and phones back 50 years, and claim that you are trying to save humanity from the Mayan end of the world.
  16. CAPS LOCK ALL THE DAMN TIME
  17. Pee in the swimming pool. From the diving board.
  18. Stand over someone’s shoulder, mumbling as they read.
  19. Take photos of people walking down the street and then run away.
  20. Surprise old friends by visiting them at 3AM “to discuss old times”.
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One comment on “Being Annoying for Dummies: A Compendium of Tips and Techniques

  1. [...] I’ve made lists of things you can do when you’re bored at home, as well as tips on how to be annoying when you have the [...]

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