Special Skills That I Should Have Included in My Resumé

  1. Hardly sounds like he’s from Bicol at all.
  2. Willing to be big spoon or little spoon.
  3. Sleeps well on airplanes.
  4. Can temporarily breathe underwater.
  5. Has access to mouth-watering recipe for brownies. Also, Chinese spareribs.
  6. Can control the weather, but cannot control what weather is summoned.
  7. Knows every word to all songs by Backstreet Boys released in the 90s.
  8. Can tolerate movies with subtitles.
  9. Able to lift a bit more than you’d think.
  10. Can talk to animals, but cannot understand them.
  11. Can cook anything fried.
  12. Can usually make babies laugh.
  13. Demonstrates inordinate politeness in almost any situation.
  14. Very reliable when it comes to taking home or taking care of drunk people.
  15. Can stop a speeding bullet. Once.
  16. Will split a pizza regardless of topping.
  17. Can expertly recognize and quote lines from Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and Harry Potter. 
  18. Can be around breasts and not stare creepily at them.
  19. Gives mostly sincere apologies.
  20. Can fly, but only toward the ground.
  21. Highly proficient in air guitar, air drums, and air bass.
  22. Used to take care of eleven dogs, all at the same time.
  23. Admits he is wrong, sometimes even when he isn’t wrong.
  24. Has not exhibited any racist tendencies to date.
  25. Can recall past events.
  26. Owns a panda lamp.
  27. Can spell pretty well.
  28. Will not make a scene if your mother says something anti-Semitic or racist in any way.
  29. Adept at writing very rude letters.
  30. Can survive extreme temperatures, but only for extremely short amounts of time.
  31. Usually gives expensive birthday presents because does not know how to choose gifts.
  32. Willing to hold your head while you puke after getting hammered.
  33. Knowledgeable about hangover cures.
  34. Willing to sit back seat middle if necessary.
  35. Showers regularly.
  36. Dances when he has to.
  37. Knows who John Maynard Keynes and Friedrich Hayek are.
  38. Not at all embarrassed by shopping for girl stuff whenever needed.
  39. Does not laugh at things like ‘wet’, ‘homo erectus’, or ‘Big Bird’.
  40. Will loan you books without freaking out if you’ve had them for a while.
  41. Can travel through time, but only at a rate of one second per second into the future.
  42. Can stop whistling, chewing ice, or tapping feet upon request.
  43. Listens attentively to boring stories.
  44. Adheres to most of the articles in the Bro Code
  45. Gives really nice hugs.
  46. Comfortable in nature for up to eight hours. Less when there are mosquitoes.
  47. Can predict the future with a 50% accuracy rate.
  48. Participates in karaoke but does not force others to do so.
  49. Comfortable with being your fake boyfriend to scare off would-be suitors.
  50. Will not drop-kick your dog over the back fence if application is rejected.

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