Top Reasons Why It’s Better to Stay Fat

Society demands that people should look like Barbie and Ken in order to be acceptable. We see it everywhere–movies, TV shows, magazine advertisements. A few days ago I came across an article on the many unconventional ways through which people can lose weight and I thought, to hell with that. I’m fat and I like it.

And to all you people out there who are a bit on the overweight side and are regularly browsing through the healthy foods section of the supermarket or the selection of fitness videos at the DVD rental store nearest you, stop first and think about what you’re doing. Do you really wanna lose weight, or are you just thinking about it because you think it’s what other people want you to do?

To be clear though, I’m not saying that being morbidly obese is good. If your body mass index is off the charts and you look like that gum-chewing girl from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, you really need help.

For your reference.

But if you’re not that big and you just happen to have more chin or belly than most people, then you’re good. And, finally, here are a couple of reasons why it’s better that you stay that way:

Buffets–Who doesn’t love them?

I love buffets. I cannot stress that enough. I love buffets. Being in a buffet makes me feel like I’m in heaven. It must be the same as what Scrat felt when he finally found that acorn heaven in Ice Age. 

If I start dieting in order to lose weight, I have to reduce the amount of food I take in drasticallyWhen other people eat, they know exactly when the meal is over based on how they feel. Other people can feel full and say, “That’s it. That’s where I’m stopping, I’m full now. I’m gonna go and convert this to useful energy.” For me, the meal isn’t over until I’m heaving and thinking, “Why the hell did I eat that?” So basically, in order to lose weight, I have to eat less. When you’re at a buffet, you just can’t do that.

Buying New Clothes is Too Much of a Hassle

Confession time: I’m a grown man and my mom still buys most of my clothes. This is primarily because I hate going shopping. Most women, and even a lot of guys, take pleasure in shopping. It’s how they de-stress. Whenever I walk into a department store because I have to buy something, my blood pressure goes through the roof. Just the thought of interacting with people–salesladies, cashiers, dudes who spray you with cologne when you walk by–scares the hell out of me.

If I start dieting and doing serious cardio work, I can potentially lose up to two or three pounds a week. That means that I have to buy new clothes every few months. Who wants that much hassle? Plus, it’s going to take a big chunk out of my budget, money that could be better spent on gift baskets (for myself) and pizza deliveries (also for myself).

Being Fat is a Great Excuse 

When you’re fat–even if you’re just chubby and not even that overweight–people automatically assume that you have a shitty immune system and overall physical form. This can be used to your advantage multiple times, and people never question you. For example, some of the guys were planning on meeting up and playing basketball at a public court. I was too lazy to go so I told them that I can’t because I have a heart condition (which I don’t, but nobody makes pointed and skeptical inquiries when you’re fat)–voila! I was able to stay at home and watch Walter White flood Albuquerque with his awesome crystal. 

Seriously, basketball or this? (HINT: This.)

I Tell Fat Jokes

I have a vast repertoire of jokes. I’m like Chandler Bing on drugs, except I don’t have a controlling OCD wife and a job nobody knows about.

A lot of my jokes are about fat people, which is okay because I’m also fat. When I tell these jokes, people laugh and they don’t get offended because they think it’s self-deprecating (which it is) or I’m just so stupid I keep making fun of myself (which I’m not). However, if I lose weight, people are gonna start getting offended by my fat jokes.

For example, when people ask me if I want to go out for lunch, I may say something like, “I didn’t get this big through fasting.” Or when asked what size shirt I wear, I might say, “Tent size”. If I lose weight, that shit ain’t gonna be funny no more. I’ll be stuck saying, “Yeah, let’s eat lunch” or “Medium size please” and I’m gonna be boring as hell.

It’s a Good Way of Keeping People Away

Fat people don’t exactly attract a lot of attention from strangers. Sure, if you see a sweaty fatass on the subway (wave, it might be me) you might look at them once, maybe even grimace a bit or wrinkle your nose, and then look away. And that’s it. When you see a buff dude who’s not even that good-looking, your eyes tend to linger. You might even be tempted to talk to them. Note: My socialization ideas are based on movies, books and TV shows. So yeah. 

Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of friends. But it usually takes some time and a lot of work to get people to actually be interested in me, which helps in keeping annoying people away. In the animal kingdom, if you’re not viewed as a potential mate, other animals might sniff you a bit and then go away if you don’t do anything. The same is true in the human world. When someone I don’t like comes up to me and starts creating bonds of friendship, a few minutes of disinterested “yeah”s and “uh-huh”s is enough to tell him to not let the door smack his ass on his way out of the room. My life is basically a documentary-movie for this book:

You’re Not Expected to Look Nice

I don’t think this is intentional but there are actually a lot of people who have an unconscious belief deep in their heads that fat guys can’t dress well. It might be because their bodies are oddly proportioned or most mannequins in clothing stores are buff dudes with socks stuffed down the front of their pants. This is actually something I appreciate because then I don’t have to worry about what I wear because I know that no one really cares.

Another plus here is that when fat guys do dress well, people are so surprised and awed. Who knew we could also be fabulous?

Fattening Food is Much Cheaper

Walk into any fast food chain right now and you’re going to see a very marked difference in the prices of healthy and fattening food choices. A salad today costs way more than a Big Mac. A tub of ice cream is cheaper than yogurt. Cookies are cheaper than most vegetables you see at the supermarket.

So basically, being fat allows me to buy cheaper food. Also, if I want healthy food, I’d probably have to cook the dishes I want myself and who has time for that nowadays? We live in a world where pizza gets to your place faster than the cops. Speed over health, I say.

And finally…

I’m Tough and Cuddly

I came across this article while researching for this blog post and it talks about why some women are attracted to big men and the first reason is that they are both tough and cuddly. I can’t exactly say that my milkshake brings all the girls to the yard but still, I’ve been called cuddly more times than I can count. I’ve been compared to a panda, and that can never ever be a bad thing.

The article I linked to above proceeded to explain why big guys attract certain women:

Women like a tough guy just as much as they like someone they can cuddle. His fat makes him cuddly and makes a woman want to snuggle with him. At the same time, his big size almost makes him seem like a protective figure for her. (source)

So let’s see. Has been referred to as cuddly, check. Big size frightens a lot of people, check. I even sport a beard sometimes, and that helps a lot in frightening off the faint of heart. So, where are all me lovies?

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6 thoughts on “Top Reasons Why It’s Better to Stay Fat

  1. Pingback: 25 Ways to Stay Fat Forever | Coffee and Keystrokes

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