25 Ways to Stay Fat Forever

A few days ago, I went out and bought a cinnabon. Do you know what a cinnabon is? Let me explain it to all you fit people who have enough self-respect to just walk by things like that. A cinnabon is basically a three-inch high, highly-fattening cinnamon swirl that comes with a small tub of thick, hot syrup made for one sad fat man.

Who can say no to that? And the line at Cinnabon isn’t filled with people from different walks of life. It’s mostly made up of fat guys like me or bigger. And not one of those fat guys are happy when they’re on the Cinnabon line. They have their heads hung low while thinking, “Oh crap, I’m getting a Cinnabon”. But that doesn’t stop any of us.

I have this friend who’s trying to lose a lot of weight fast so he’s using the “religious” method of weight loss. Not familiar with the concept? Well, me neither. So I asked him about it and he told me that the religious method is when you crave for a snack, you pray to God or to whoever it is you want to pray to so they will take away the temptation.

I was really blown away by this. It’s basically a deity-induced form of anorexia. And people are taking this to a whole new level. Somewhere out there, there’s a fat dude reaching for a cheese burger while praying to all the deities he knows about to make his body believe that he’s actually eating a nice bunch of broccoli. What a load of bullcrap.

But who wants to lose weight anyway? I am regularly asked by family members to lose weight and I just show them this list of reasons why it’s a whole lot better to stay fat today. So for those of you who believe like I do that it’s way better to just stay fat, here are a couple of things you can do to stay fat forever.

  1. Learn how to cook. Pancakes are a good place to start.
  2. Start dieting. With bacon, cheese, eggs, and maybe some croissants if they have it.
  3. Take the elevator–even if that means pushing old ladies in wheelchairs out of the way.
  4. Do the groceries when you’re starving and/or high.
  5. Find a girl who has a thing for Kevin James, and date her.
  6. Follow a lot of sports, especially those that go well with buffalo wings, chips, and/or dip.
  7. Stay abreast of new trends–especially those pertaining to different types of cakes.
  8. Buy candy for “Trick or Treaters”, even when it isn’t anywhere near Halloween.
  9. Start playing a highly-addictive video game.
  10. Make eating a pizza sandwich a regular thing. (Buy whole pizza, fold in half, eat.)
  11. Try every frozen yogurt place near your house. And your office. And your sister’s house. Or your ex’s house. Or maybe even near your parents’ house. You never know what you might be missing.
  12. Buy a Segway.
  13. Avoid jogging when it’s hot. Or late. Or cold. Or early. Or when you’re tired. Or when your favorite show is on.
  14. Find medical studies that support what you’re already doing–like eating chocolate or drinking lots of wine.
  15. Visit your grandmother as often as you can.
  16. Establish and cultivate an Internet presence.
  17. Think about how much a new belt would cost you.
  18. Find a jogging partner–preferably someone who’d also rather sleep than run.
  19. Date a girl who doesn’t each much–finish her food.
  20. Buy ice cream that’s less fattening–eat ten times as much.
  21. Watch Doctor Whoall twenty-six seasons of the classic version, and all seven seasons (and counting) of the new version.
  22. Try all of the budget-friendly buffets in the neighborhood, for research.
  23. Eat like a bird–ravenously.
  24. Buy or make your own beer helmet. Feel free to customize.
  25. Volunteer to dress up as Santa. This year, every year.

Let’s do this.

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