I’ve talked before about how men, when sober, talk about perverted stuff but when they’re drunk, the conversations veer towards politics, philosophy, or life, the universe, and everything. So I have this friend and during one of our regular drinking sessions, he tells me about his little arrangement with his girlfriend and how he wants to exercise his rights from that arrangement as soon as possible.
And this isn’t about trying out new positions or whatever. The arrangement is this: both of them can have a list of five celebrities that they can sleep with in the unlikely event that such an opportunity presents itself. Of course, this isn’t the first time that I’ve heard about the freebie list. I think I heard about it originally from the F.R.I.E.N.D.S. episode, ‘The One with Frank Jr.‘. Basically, you are given permission to shag a celebrity without it being considered cheating by your partner.
On the other hand, there are a lot of bros who think this is just a way for women to gain the upper hand in the relationship by establishing a level of control over the man. By letting the man think that he can get away with something, even something as unlikely as this, the woman gets brownie points without risking anything. And, come to think of it, I haven’t heard of a bro who actually got to exercise his rights vis-a-vis this arrangement.
Although, in my experience, most girls already have a list even before they speak to their respective boyfriends about this. For some reason, if you ask girls which celebrity hunks they wanna bone, they’d start spouting off names before you can say ‘Dinkleberg’. They’d rattle these off quickly and usually be breathless after. It’s amazing. Sometimes I think they have a laminated list of names in their wallets entitled ‘Celebrity Hunks I Wanna Bone’, and they update this list every month just to be safe.
However, since this got me thinking, I’m also gonna make my own list. When I told my friend about this, he gave me a few tips:
- Don’t choose a foreign celebrity. Apparently, it increases your chances by a lot if you focus on local celebrities, since it is geographically more possible to get an opportunity with them than it would be with foreign celebrities. However, since I don’t give a damn about Philippine showbiz (except for Anne Curtis), I might just ignore this one.
- Choose those that actually interact with lesser folk. It’s all about increasing chances, no matter how minute these chances are.
- Choose pretty people. Well, duh.
So with those tips in mind, I grab my thinking cap and jump into the rabbit hole. And though I’ve dirtied my fluffy white tail, I emerge victorious for I hold in my hand my very own freebie list:
Come on, everyone who knows me has some idea of my obsession with Hermione Granger and all things Harry Potter. With that said, Emma Watson successfully moved on from the Harry Potter franchise and managed to gain a foothold in the movie business. Also, she’s goddamn pretty.
If you’re not familiar with the name, she’s the badass dragon queen-slash-avenger from the Game of Thrones series. I don’t like her that much in the show though. I mean the character’s great but Emilia, as an actress, doesn’t look that good with silver-white hair. On the other hand, when her hair is back to its natural brunette color, I fall hard.
I know, I know. It’s a crime to like Glee in this day and age. And there is no denying that it butchers a lot of classics, to the point that a lot of artists are flat-out saying no to Ryan Murphy, the producer of Glee, if he so much as shows interest in a particular song. Still, there is no denying that Dianna Agron is seriously pretty. Her innocent image and cute quirks also make her a lot more sensuous.
If you do not know Cobie Smulders, then you are missing out. You probably know her better as Robin Scherbatsky from How I Met Your Mother or, more recently, Agent Maria Hill from Marvel’s The Avengers. Not only does she portray awesomely badass women, she also may be the only chick to ever set Neil Patrick Harris’ heart aflutter.
Another unhealthy obsession: Castle. This show blends the usual cop procedural with a lot of fun elements, plus it has Nathan Fillion in it (I’m a Browncoat all the way). But what makes this show really good is Stana Katic. She has talent, good looks, and just the right amount of quirkiness to surprise you at the weirdest moment. If you’re a fan of Castle, like I am, and you wanna check out some of her other work, you might wanna watch The Librarian: Curse of the Judas Chalice. She plays a vegetarian vampire. Awesome right?
So that’s five. Of course, there are a lot of other honorable mentions like Gemma Arterton, Gillian Anderson, Karen Gillian, AnnaSophia Robb and Chloe Grace Moretz. Also, I stand absolutely no chance with these women. In the words of one wise writer whose name I can’t recall, ‘I couldn’t seduce any of these women with a white tux, a yacht, and a pet Bengal tiger’.
Of course, that won’t stop me from wishing. And, in my experience, if you wish hard enough and you fangirl enough, your dreams might just come true.