I’m pretty sure that that’s the first thing that came to mind when you read the blog post title. That, or watching porn with the volume way up. But, for the moment, let us pretend that we are a couple of wholesome teenagers who just want to have fun on a Friday night but because we don’t sit at the ‘cool’ table in the school cafeteria, we weren’t invited to the parties.
This post is sponsored (and partly inspired) by two gifs that have been floating around the Internet for quite a while now, and they perfectly encapsulate my social life:
Aside from porn, most teenagers today might consider having their own party. If that’s how you roll, then here’s a step-by-step introduction to getting charged with underage drinking and disturbing the peace. For everyone else, here are a few things you can do to spice up your oh-so-awesome alone life:
- Dance around the house like a maniac. Everyone wants to let loose once in a while, and this is the perfect opportunity to do so. Wiggle that booty to the music of artists that you would never listen to when anyone’s around. Come on, I know you like Taylor Swift.
- Watch your guilty-pleasure TV shows. Whether you torrent or you TiVo, there are shows somewhere in your house that no one must ever see you watching. You might be secretly invested in the Kardashians, or you’re dying to know whether Dr. Drake Ramoray is gonna wake up from his coma and save Rosalinda from the well that she fell in or something like that.
- Watch a Spanish soap opera. This is if you don’t have any guilty pleasure TV shows or are really just bored out of your mind. Find an untranslated Spanish soap opera without subtitles, then attempt to figure out what’s going on in each scene. Explain to parents what happened when they get home.
- Act like Emma Stone from Easy A. If you have one of those singing cards then fine, use that. If you don’t, put on your favorite jams and sing along with it in your highest voice. And don’t be afraid to play your guilty pleasure songs! Backstreet Boys and M2M for the win!
- Invite your friends over. Not for a party though, and preferably less than ten people. A group larger than that tends to be a little loud and before you know it, the cops are knocking at your door.
- Take pants off. Not a lot of things can match the freedom of movement that comes with taking your pants off. For girls, take the bra off and release the krakens.
- Be a troll on Yahoo! Answers. This place is filled with people posing as experts. That can be you, too! Claim to be an expert on a weird topic like Fromology (study of cheese) and answer as many questions as you can.
- Wikipedia. You have no idea how many hours you can spend on this site. Start by thinking of some random topic, search it, then keep clicking on interesting links within the article body. I tried this one time, starting with the wiki page of House MD. Four hours later, I found myself reading about carnivorous plants.
- Make a fort. You’re alone. You have lots of free time. You have couch cushions and blankets. You know what to do. Don’t forget to make signs that’ll tell passers-by that it’s your castle. Bonus points if you also make a crown.
- Cook. If you live alone, chances are you don’t have much in your fridge except for some beers and whipped cream. So this is where you get creative. Prepare a four-course meal using only what you have in your place. Bonus points if they actually taste good.
- Cook naked. Same thing as #10, but with a higher difficulty rating. You’ll realize soon enough that you bump into a lot of hot things while you’re cooking. Warning: Never ever cook bacon when naked.
- Eat whatever you cooked in bed, while still naked. Make sure you clean up after yourself though. You do not want to know how it feels to have an ant crawl up your lavender passageway
- Have an existential crisis. Think about why you’re home alone. Or why none of your friends invited you to a party tonight. Or why the girl you like doesn’t like you back even though you stood outside her house in a trench coat with a boom box. Think about Arthur Dent. Think about the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
- Pretend like you’re being interviewed. You just won the Nobel Prize. Or an Oscar. You’re on Oprah. Or that Ellen show. What are you gonna say? Give ‘humblebraggy’ answers because you just know that you’re gonna be really famous in the very near future.
- Dance. Seductively. This has a higher difficulty level than #1, and still done in front of the mirror. In essence, seduce yourself and be amazed at how bangable you are.
- Scream at the TV. This works great when you’re watching something that really gets you emotionally invested, like Pocahontas 1 and 2. When I watch Pocahontas 2, I just wanna kill John Rolfe. I scream, “Pocahontas, what the hell are you doing? You’re supposed to end up with John Smith! What are you doing with that dolt! Your love was painted with the colors of the wind, for crying out loud!”
- Make a list of activities that can be done while naked. And realize only later that while you’re going through the list, your blinds are open and the whole neighborhood can see your willy (or lack thereof).
- Develop a deep, unbreakable, spiritual, special bond with the delivery guys. Because we all know you can’t cook to save your life.
- Choreograph dances. Until you convince yourself that you can totally join your university’s dance troupe or even the Russian ballet with only minimal effort.
- Invent a weird twitch. Twitch an eye, make sporadic coughing noises, or flick your head from time to time like you’re suffering from some disorder. Try it out next time you go out.
- Get nauseated. Stare straight up. Spin around. Puke.
- Play The Floor is Lava. Try to make it through all the rooms of your place without ever touching the floor. If you do touch the floor, pretend that you’re dying in slow motion. Bonus points if you can quote that burning Skywalker scene from Star Wars.
- Find weird things on Google Earth. A lot of people have discovered a lot of previously-undiscovered things using Google Earth. You never know, you might find an undiscovered tribe, or an escaped convict.
- Try to head-butt the ceiling. I’m not even gonna elaborate or give safety warnings on this. Survival of the fittest, as they say.
- Buy stupid (or cool) stuff online. Did you know that you can buy a tank, a fully-functional mech, and even weapons-grade plutonium online? Who knows what else the Internet has in store for you? Whip out that credit card and but that Predator suit you’ve always wanted!
- Pretend like you’re a psychopath. Well, assuming that you’re not. Roll up a carpet until it looks like it’s big enough to hide a human body. Put it in your backyard then start digging a hole. When your neighbor sees you, look him in the eye and say, “You’re next.”
- Climb inside your freezer and see how long you can survive. Wear appropriate ‘arctic’ gear of course. Don’t be stupid.
- Get some ketchup and put it to good use. Cover yourself with ketchup and lie down on the sidewalk outside your house. See if anyone cares.
- Hang a sign outside your house. Make a giant banner advert with the words, “FREE SEX. NO FEES, NO QUESTIONS ASKED” and hang it outside your place. Wait.
- Have another existential crisis. Because come on, who would want to live with the creepy half-animal, half-hairy hermit that you become when you’re home alone?